Location: the waves, the ocean

Hoist the sails, raise yer bloody goblets, ahoy & onward me laddies!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

While the Iron Blazes

't occurs to me, laddies, that the collective countenence of the United States 'as its ugly head focused 'pon the dire spectacle of a pirate film at the moment, aye, & one based 'pon some mockery of a child's ride no less in some sprawling Floridian hellhole. Such impudence! To celebrate the pirate as a phenomenon untouched by woe, lads, untainted by sin, aye, uncursed, glorious, & so on-- aye, I say bring yr child 'board me ship, aye, & put 'im in the poopdeck for a fortnight until we be a healthy distance in open water, aye, drawing closer to our target, lads. Then bring lit'le Billy 'pon the deck to see the glory & glamour, the triumphant fun of blood soaking the planks beneath 'is li'l toes, of feral strikes of swords against the flesh of men, of the shrill scream of the dyin' brigateer 'neath me dagger, lads, of the stech of the dead borne aloft o'er mast & starboard where the sharks wait with their fangs gleaming white, aye! Li'l Billy, taste the blood of yr crewmate & call yrself a pirate! Draw yr sword out of its scabboard & 'cross the neck of yr first mate at the first sign of treason, li'l Billy, aye, & spend yr lonely nights with naught but the sorrowful dirges of yr parrot patched 'pon yr shoulder. I curse the glory & glamour that spreads o'er the screen, a shining chimera that not even the greatest of the Golden Era saw! See Kidd's head 'pon its spit, see the smoke die in Blackbeard's severed beard, li'l William, aye, & see what came of Bonnie & the rest! Such brief hours, such fugitive charm in the pirate's life! O woe betide, o crimson pallor, o steer me ship clean of such putrid characature!


Anonymous Hjört Øsrgarrd III said...

Aye, and by Odin this goes as well for that damned movie The Vikings, starring Kirk Douglas, Ernest Borgnine, Tony Curtis, and the fair Janet Leigh in the role of Morgana. May Loki confound them to their graves!

11:45 AM  
Anonymous Masakazu Hoshino said...

Yes, and this atrocity featuring Tom Cruise as a samurai. I will slice his head, and his family of ElRon.

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Jim the Caddy said...

Same here! Frickin' caddies in Caddyshack.

8:09 PM  
Anonymous Guy From Actual Vietnam Platoon said...

These are soldiers? I don't fucking think so.

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Emergency Room Doctor said...

Oh sure, a hospital is just crawling with intrigue, discreet romances, alliances and clashes, and entirely staffed by attractive young interns MY ASS.

8:26 PM  
Anonymous Travis McPickle said...

Just because I drive a taxi doesn't mean I live in a paranoid racist fantasy reality induced by lack of sleep and intend to shoot a local politician and concern myself with the well-being of an underage hooker. Thanks a lot, Scorcese.

8:28 PM  
Anonymous Tatooine Tusken Raider said...

I resent being portrayed as a nomadic barbarian who makes pig-like grunting noises.

8:29 PM  
Anonymous Vi@gra said...

I resent being portrayed as gen3r1c!

8:30 PM  
Anonymous Harry said...

The Hendersons cut my balls off. I'd never ride in a damned car. I'm a fucking sasquatch, for Christ's sake.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Snark said...

Can you please sing that to the tune of "Bolero"?

1:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it! »

3:53 PM  

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